Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It will be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of spot. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")

As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from House, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics

Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"

The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have change-down assistance."

Another submit Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies suggest:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."